Five Ways NOT to Learn a Language: A Fool Proof Guide to Staying Monolingual

We’ve all been there—dreaming of fluently ordering coffee in Paris or bargaining like a pro in the Manama souk. But who has time for actual learning? Luckily, we’ve cracked the code on how to not learn a language, in five simple steps!

1. Never Speak a Word of It Aloud

Why risk sounding like a tourist when you can keep it all in your head? Repeat after me: Silent comprehension is the best comprehension. After all, you don’t need actually to speak Arabic to understand that restaurant menu, right? And it’s safer this way—you’ll never risk embarrassment if no one hears you trying. Plus… “HABIBI YALLAH” gets you a long way.

2. Rely Exclusively on Free Apps That You Never Use

Who needs structured lessons or actual practice when there are a million free language apps out there? Download five of them right now, open them once, and then promptly forget about them. Whenever anyone asks how your Italian is going, you can proudly say, “Oh, I have so many apps for that!” Learning by osmosis could be real… right?

3. Immerse Yourself by Only Watching Shows With Subtitles

Sure, watching Narcos in Spanish is basically the same as having conversations, right? Just let those subtitles do the heavy lifting. Remember, your main focus is the plot, not the actual language they’re speaking. I’m confident of this… I watch Turkish dramas every Ramadan and I’m fluent in baklava.

4. Stick to Flashcards for Rarely Used Vocabulary

Focus on mastering only the most obscure and dramatic words. Forget “Where is the bathroom?” or “How are you?”—you’re here to learn gems like “metamorphosis” and “phenomenon.” That way, in the rare chance you do speak, you can sound like a poetic, confused foreigner habibi.

5. Avoid Native Speakers at All Costs

Nothing will ruin your perfectly imagined fluency like a real person trying to have a conversation. Stick to practicing alone, in front of the mirror, where you’re always flawless and no one can judge. Native speakers? Just too much pressure! Keep things cosy in your monolingual bubble. You know what, for extra points learn a song in Arabic where the words make no sense to you and you just approximate the sounds, like that Russian woman singing ‘Ken Lee’ on Idol. (If you’re not familiar PLEASE check it out, it’s a work of art (https://youtu.be/vUAaHkGpJy8?si=3KfWPw0ousuQWINt)

If all that sounded like the worst advice ever, first of all.. ouch. Secondly.. well obviously. *Drum roll* THE GARDEN OF KNOWLEDGE TEACHES ENGLISH AND ARABIC from ages 6 to adult, total beginner to advanced users. And they are awesome.

Check them out:

Website:

www.https://www.thegardenedu.com

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www.instagram.com/the_garden_of_knowledge

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Bani Jamra Branch (+973) 35617635

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